My baby (ERM) is unable to latch on to my breast to feed in the way that everyone knows is the best for the baby. A number of specialists at both the hospital and support groups have agreed that she just can't do it - it is physically impossible for her. When we left the hospital just under 2 weeks ago I was trying to give her exclusively expressed breast milk (EBM) although this requires me to express my milk every 3 hours regardless of whether or not that's when she wants to feed. So that's 8 slots of roughly 30-45 min per day sat on the sofa expressing milk plus feeding her, winding her, changing her and getting her back off to sleep (sometimes this can take 3-4 hours for her feed in the early hours of the morning as she's struggling to get back to sleep). After a week of doing this I went to a breastfeeding drop-in clinic where they suggested trying nipple shields to see if that would help her get milk straight from me. So now using the shields she can get her milk directly from the breast. For the last few days she's been really distressed after feeding and we've realised that she's not latching correctly onto the shield and this means that she's swallowing lots of air with my milk. Because she's swallowing so much it's going into her intestine and can't be burped out - hence the distress because a 2 week old doesn't understand the pain of trapped wind. We've been using "infacol" for a few days to try to combat this but it doesn't seem to help. She's obviously in a lot of pain every night and ends up getting overtired and can't get to sleep. I've been doing all of the night feeds (the calming down bit as obviously he can't breastfeed!) as MrT is back to work next week and as he works shifts I have to get used to doing this. I'm a wreck and can't stop crying as seeing her in pain is horrible - I know as parents we can't stop everything that might hurt ERM but this we can do something about.
So now the decision:
- To continue feeding with shields and watch her in distress every night
- To give her EBM which will mean being tied to the house and the pump every 3 hours for the next 6 months
- To give her formula
I'm now at the point where I'm dreading her waking up to feed as it's super-painful for me and watching her in distress is the worst thing I've ever had to do. The pain for me I can cope with in a way but seeing her screaming is awful. The only other issue is that I have been getting headaches since I left the hospital and I can't take anything other than paracetamol. Today's headache I would normally have taken migraleve for but obviously can't as I'm feeding her directly.
I have always wanted to give her breastmilk as I have loads of allergies and I know that this milk is the best defence she has. I can't help feeling that by giving her formula I have failed as her mother to protect her in every way I can.
My mother is very pro-breastfeeding and her and my aunt have been sending me literature about it - I don't think they understand that I read everything I could lay my hands on pre-birth and that ERM just can't do it in the traditional way.
So at 2 weeks old do I give up and give my beautiful daughter formula or do I tie myself to the pump for 6 months?
1 comment:
I really feel for you - there is so much pressure at the moment surrounding breast feeding, most of it completely unfair and inconsiderate of people who find themselves in your situation. I have no suggestions, having no experience of this myself, other than to suggest that your mental well-being is just as (if not more) important than whether your child is breast/EBM fed. You have to take care of your self and Mr T just as much as the little one. This decision will not determine whether you are a good mother or not - I think the jury will be out on that for a couple of decades :)
Take care of yourself and your family, don't feel guilty for decisions that outsiders criticize because they don't understand your specific circumstances.
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